Sometimes I’m disappointed to find that my life has been, for some time now and without my awareness, been following a well trodden path. A life course, or set phases of being. I had a baby, toddler, young child, pre-teen, teen phase. And now, I’m just in adulthood. And in adulthood, I’m only now beginning to sift my way backwards through my life to give some meaning, some trajectory to my past. Because at any point before my adulthood, I felt I was simply trying to survive day to day. Yes, I had ambitions and hopes for what my future might look like but none of them where about my life as a holistic whole. I never dreamed of the type of life I’d lead, only about the occupation I’d hold. I didn’t think about what an honour and privilege it was, for example, I have my parents at my high school graduation. But now, I’m thinking of what an honour it would be to have my parents present when I convocate from my law degree.
There are days where I feel so completely and utterly different from everyone in this world. I’m, of course, in that moment completely and irrationally reducing “the entire world” to a select group of internet influencers. But the uncertainty feels expansive. Why am I so griped by fears for the future that others don’t seem to have? Why do others manage to produce beautiful carousels of images summarizing their time abroad, a really fun dinner date or memorable sight, while I’m just trying to stare into the physical world? Am I slow? Am I daft, naive, pretentious? Overly philosophical to the point of cynicism? How many crutches am I keeping under my armpits jsut to keep me upright?
I really devalue my own power, my own influence over my life. I think that every day is monotonous, that there is no beauty in a cloudy, lonely, slow morning. I wait for the physical world to give me beauty, and then I think about going out and trying to make it for myself. But, I guess the challenge of life is to be handed whatever you are handed – maybe its used and drab supplies or it’s a new manual – and to make something memorable out of it all.
Perspicuous: clear, lucid, vivid.
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