When you are the one saying goodbye to someone, the pain feels – in my opinion – 10 times more acute than the receiver of the goodbye. That is how I justify how emotional I get when I think about leaving home. The other person can tell you it’s not goodbye, but what do they know? I mean, what do either or any of us know about what is planned or what will happen to us?
When I’ve said goodbye to people who have just fleeted through my life, I’d think about what to say in our last interaction (which would often be planned in advance, like a farewell party or a card circulated in the office). Even though the only thing I truly felt I wanted to say was “goodbye!”, I felt uncomfortable leaving it there. I felt I had to lie, I had to exaggerate their role in my life. I needed to confirm to them that they mattered, that I noticed them and that I understood the magnitude of the final moment. I’d feel fits of paralysis in the unsureness of the moment, because I wanted the end to be perfect. This has lead me to do things like writing “stay in touch!” to people I had no true reason to stay in touch with. But with people who truly matter, I have a paralysis too. But this time, it’s of wanting to say everything under the sun but knowing I just shouldn’t and can’t.
In my goodbyes, I’l try to memorize just one thing about the other person. Just one. And cling onto it.
Enigmatic: mysterious, something hard to understand or solve completely
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