I used to use my words really imprecisely. I liked to exaggerate my emotions and descriptions of things, saying things like “I’m devastated”, “I’m exhausted”, “I’m fuming”. I realize the terrible mistake now that I have experienced these emotions, because the words seemed to be devoid of their true meaning. No longer feeling like I could find a word that described my inner state, I felt a sort of dissociation.
On the topic of imprecision, another thing I’ve only recently understood is the difference between “getting through” something and “getting over” something. I guess they both have the same end product (as in you arrive at the same destination after both having gone through or gotten over something), but the method seems different. To get over something suggests that the “thing” was an obstacle to find your way over. You take detours or the path less traveled to get somewhere. To get through something, however, implies you having gone into the the obstacle. What does it look like to go through an obstacle? To me, i envision a mud pit filled with bits of grass and gravel. By the time you’ve gotten through something, you are covered in grime.
Big life events are things I used to try to get over. But when I’d try to live as if I’d “moved on”, I would feel a sense of dissociation. It felt as if I was trying to pretend that I was the still same person, but my own self was long gone. So now, I guess I’ll view these big events are things to get through, getting absolutely muddy in the process. The mud is the prerequisite to finding myself again, as much as I would like to avoid it.
Clandestine: describes something secretive. For example, a clandestine activity.
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