“We haven’t talked in so long!! But first I really want to know: how’s Singapore?!”
“Aww yeah it’s so good to see you! I’m so glad we could call. And yeah Singapore? It’s been challenging but it’s…. it’s great! Yeah. I’m learning a lot.”
I’m a 21 year old student from Canada on a summer exchange in Singapore, and this is how many of my conversations have opened when I’ve talk to someone for the first time since having arrived in Singapore.
I was hoping that I’d be saying “I absolutely love it here!”, with a manic, larger-than-life gleam in my eyes by this point in my abroad experience. I should be telling everyone that asks about the thousand and one new things I’ve done since I’ve come here, and get to say things like:
“The people are just amazing, and the food? To die for!!”.
But my time in Singapore is far from a blockbuster, ground-breaking time.
Where’s my exotic, exciting summer abroad experience? Am I not trying hard enough to push myself and meet new people and make new friends? Am I too uptight? Is that what’s keeping me from being forever changed on some wild journey through a forest on the back of an elephant with exact local tour guides and ending the experience with a reckless tattoo to metaphorically remind myself I’ve been forever “marked” by the experience?
I also don’t feel like I’ve grown. If I’d grown, I figured I’d be entirely different from the “me” that I knew before I’d come here, unrecognizable even to myself.
This is why I’ve struggled to answer the question: “how is Singapore?” Because when I give the more realistic and accurate answer, I find myself wishing I was giving a different one.
If I am to be completely honest, my experience is just “meh”. Some days it’s “so excited!!”, other days it’s “Just get through today….” and other’s it’s “I could go anywhere, do anything. What am I doing with my life, moving with these locals like a pawn to life’s redundant normalcy?”
I wasn’t expecting the trenches of everyday life – the same MRT route to work, cooking dinner, calling home at around the same time – to be the majority of my abroad experience. I expected some lavish, cushy experience of being here, filled with indulgence without sacrifice and smiles non-stop.
Now, I’ve seen beautiful sights in this country. I’ve met inspiring and fulfilling people. And I’m confident that on some level, I’ve grown. Just this is just not the experience I expected.
I’m a student in my 20’s in a country I’ve never been to before and have no idea when I’ll visit again. And instead of a cafe day with local friends or dinner and a late night out I’m choosing between which “WIEIAD” or “Israel and Iran” or “Say Yes to the Dress” video I should watch. Or I’m spending minutes debating wether I should buy a single Thai mango for three dollars as a sweet treat, decide to buy it then scurry home to cut it and get into my room so that I don’t feel guilty for not sharing it with my housemates.
There are places I tell people I loved visiting. Amalfi Coast, Italy was a I’ve-fallen-head-over-heels-in-love place from the moment we arrived. Dammam, Saudi Arabia without a doubt houses a piece of my heart. When I talk about these places, I feel that glint in my eye and remember precious memories.
But I loved these places because I was able to live well and in apparent abundance. I had the nice hotel room with two queen sized beds, a clean washroom and paintings just ethnic enough to make me think I was surrounded by Saudi culture. I had the liberty to stroll down to the picturesque beach, my ultimate happy place, when I wanted a taste of independence. But then when I got tired of the independance, I could leap right back into my parents’ care and would get a gelato or some other delectable dinner and dessert that night.
I wouldn’t worry about the price of the things around me, even if my parents were worrying. I wouldn’t be concerned about what time it was, and if I should be getting up to make a meal soon. I felt I didn’t have to take ownership for the dust on the floor or unironed clothes. But these are the things that I think about.
Perhaps this post is more of me lamenting the fact that I have to care for myself. But it’s just not what I thought I’d be doing all the time. I mean, this stuff takes energy and I haven’t done this before.
Which makes me think that maybe I wasn’t ready for this trip. Maybe I had to grow more before I came here, and that’s the reason why I’m finding this so hard. Am I wasting my summer abroad opportunity on learning how to care for myself when I could be doing other more fun things? Years down the line, what will I say about my time in Singapore when asked about it?
In short, am I doing this whole “abroad experience” right?
Somedays, I wonder if I’m just more “Vanilla Slab” than “Matcha-Yuzu Layered Sponge” (a cake I saw some girls eating at Starbucks the other day, and who wouldn’t want to try some of that?!). I suppose this is okay. But did I come all this way on my self-discovery journey only to conclude that I’m a fundamentally boring person? I thought I came here to go wild and start doing things I wouldn’t typically do.
I’m just scared that as I discover more about the person I truly am, I’m discovering that I’m not the person I want to be.
So ask me how Singapore is (I dare you) and I’ll try not to be disappointed in the answer I give you. Because at least it’s my story. And maybe there will come a time, years down the line, when I look back on this time and see something in it that I’m not seeing today.
Leave a Reply