Who am I, if there’s no midterms tomorrow? If I don’t have to go to class in the morning again, or sprint-walk across campus on a time crunch? Who am I when I’m sane, to-do list empty, solitary? When I’m sitting in the warm sun listening to the sound of cars whizzing busily by? Who am I without stress, pressure, material needs and the allure of status?
Part of me has been repressing this question for years now. Because that part of me knows that I have built the entire structure of my life off o being handed tasks. And so when there is no one to hand the tasks to me, I am scared there will be nothing left of my purpose. I would cease to be productive, perhaps waste away in paralysis of wishes beyond my reach.
Now that I am about to finish my undergraduate degree, this is all I can think about. Soon, I’ll cross some stage and be handed some piece of paper that is supposed to tell me that I’m valuable to some recruiter or hiring manager. That paper is supposed to reflect a many-years-long journey, and I’m supposed to be grateful that it is over. Many people make it a LinkedIn post, and quickly refer to the school “that was” as their alma matter. How I wish I could be excited to do that…
All I feel right now is dread. It feels like I’m about to have a floorboards ripped from underneath me. The basis for my being evaporated, what will be left? Am I supposed to turn to that piece of paper to tell me who I am? When I sacrificed so much of the person I am just to get that piece of paper?
And let’s take, as a thought experiment, that the piece of paper is valuable and solves my existential crisis and whatnot. I have a great time at my convocation and I shed tears of happiness. Then what next….? Because when I wake up the next day, that school I once called home won’t be my home anymore. They won’t respond to my emails or feel obligated to help me. They won’t guide me. I’ll be in an abyss.
I have most certainly been here before. These types of thoughts are once I associate with some sort of shattered trust, feeling frazzled and deep desire for peace. But this time, I can’t shake the fear. Because it’s not a “someday” problem, it’s a one day problem. And that one day has already been decided and published and plans have been made and everything. There is a whole system I’ve entered, I’ve been loaded onto the conveyer belt that is taking me far far away.
Was it worth it, I think? The immediate answer is yes. My undergraduate years have brought many learning opportunities and lessons that I otherwise wouldn’t have had. But there is a part of me that thinks about the person I have become after university and misses the person I was before all of this.
I thought I had to get serious, because that is what university demanded. Mistakes weren’t an option. When priorities would begin to compete, plates must be dropped to ensure school wasn’t sacrificed.
But has that prepared me to handle competing priorities? I would sadly have to say no. Because where there was an option to drop off, I dropped off. And I guess I see that as a failure because I expect myself to be able to handle absolutely everything that gets thrown at me. That if I don’t, I’ve failed.
The better question for me right now is probably not “who”, but “why”. I do know who I am intrinsically, but what I need to uncover now is why I lose myself in a tide when things get too overwhelming. And, more importantly, how to ground myself when things do get overwhelming.
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