What matters to me right now….

Not getting in trouble
Not being late
Not missing the mark
Not getting a bad score
Not getting in
Not having their attention… or even their respect.

I’m terrified. 

Because see, here’s the thing.

I’m not trying to do well for myself. I’m trying to dodge bullets.
I’m praying the clock is wrong, the roads are empty and that lunch won’t really take that long. But that 20 minute video… bring it on.
I’m scared that I’ll put in work and not do well. 
I’m putting the control is someone else’s hands, worrying how they’ll react or what they might think of me or say about me or treat me or regard me, if they’ll make eye contact with me, if they’ll even notice me. Worrying they don’t think I’ve got it in me, that I don’t have it all planned out.
I’ve lost interest in what I think about myself. Because I’m scared to care too much about my progress only to not make enough of it.
I’m trying to be deliberate. And every time I do, I feel like I’m putting on this massive facade. 

I want you to say it looks good. 
I want you to say I’m doing good
I want someone, please, to be the one to say hi first.

I don’t belong.

The plan I have in my mind is so nice. So ideal. 
And right now, all I’m doing is trying not to drown. 
And it’s really quite painful.
And no one seems to care. 

Even when I think I’ve done it, you turn around and show me apparently you don’t care.
You don’t see that I’m walking down to the other end wanting you to help me. 
You are busy overlooking me. Is it taking any effort?
You must be too important. I don’t fit in with you.

Truth is, I’m not entirely sure yet where I fit in. 

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